Ok, well here I am again. Lets start at the beginning. I met my husband when I was 16. It was at a high school party and he was drunk, should have been a warning sign right there, but I wanted a bad boy. We got together that night and two years later I found myself pregnant.

Let me say this-pregnancy is never a reason to get married. That is downright stupid. A baby is a wonderful gift and the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me, but why did my parents think getting married was the answer to a pregnancy? I was 18 and scared and confused and no one sat me down and said don’t get married. If you find yourself or someone you know in that situation, say we will wait until the baby is two years old, then if we still want to get married it should work, if you don’t then you avoided a bad situation. Nothing wrong with waiting two years, heck your already pregnant, how could waiting make it any worse?

Anyway he has had a drinking problem, along with lying and many other things, for most of the marriage. I have tried to work with them for the sake of the kids and wanting a good marriage, but my efforts failed. I am not saying I have been a perfect or even a great wife, believe me I have made plenty of mistakes. He would list plenty of them for you. No one will ever be perfect in a marriage, but no one deserves a destructive spouse either.

So now here I am, still married but I want out of it. I need out for my sanity. I have been at work so far today from 9am-2pm. He has called harassing me for 3.5 out of these 5 hours to tell me everything I am doing wrong now by not working on the marriage. According to him if I want to make the marriage work all I have to do is flip a switch ans TA-DA I can be happy. I guess that is easy to say when you are not the one who has put up with the abuse for years. And him calling me at work is the same thing as me going the bar where he is getting drunk and draining all the money from our checking account and trying to get him to stop, yea totally the same thing.

When I say abuse in the above paragraph, let me just say it is not physical. He had slapped me a few times in the past, but I had done the same to him, of and one night I punched him the arm a few times, that is me abusing him. What has pushed me over the edge is a few months ago he came home drunk, fought with me, I told him it was over, and he then beat me up. Left me with a black eye, bloody nose and swollen face, BUT he never hit me with a closed fist and he could have done worse, so it should not be a big deal (according to him). That is the only time he beat me, I am being honest about that. However the emotional abuse has spanned the marriage and that sucks because there is not evidence to that kind of abuse.

I pray that someday I will be able to take this pain and help someone else going through something similar. I have read that every pain can have a purpose, can be used for God’s glory, if we will let it. Maybe someone will read this blog and get some comfort that someone out there has gone through the same thing. Maybe I will be able to help a young women make a decision to walk away from a toxic relationship sooner then it took me. But maybe nothing will happen and no one will be helped, the future is scary to me and I am unsure of every decision I make so Lord, please help me make wise ones.

July 14, 2009

I am writing this for my own good. I need somewhere to go to scream and this is what I came up with. Again I am writing this blog for me, but if anyone out there finds me and wants to comment, if you have gone through it, or are going through it, let’s encourage each other.

I want a divorce. I have been unhappy for years. I will write later what has gone on. I am a Christian and love the Lord deeply, and this is where my biggest conflict comes in. Should I live in misery with someone because I am Christian? Would Jesus want that? I do feel that wanting this is letting God down, and my kids. The most important people in the world to me and I am failing them all. What do I do from here?

I am unsure of alot of things but I know I don’t want to live with him for the rest of my life. I am not at this place because I am married to an average man and nothing really wrong has happened and I am just unhappy. He is an alcoholic and has been emotionally abusive for years, 4 months ago it became physical and I am just done.

I have asked that he just move out, give me time to heal and in 6 months we talk about if we both want to get back together or not, but he refuses. He wants to fix the marriage now, he wants to love me now, and go to counseling now. Too little, too late. I just can’t. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life then imagine it with him.

I hope and pray that he does change. That he becomes a better person. His kids deserve a good father. To me though, even if he does become a better person, he will still be him, still be the one who did all those things to me over all those years.

I am sorry, but I just want out. God, please forgive me and still love me.